What I'm learning about Prayer: Finding my Voice

I have gone through different seasons in my prayer life. Some where praying was a joy, spending time listening and learning was a constant throughout the day; and other times when praying seemed like the last thing I wanted to do, or felt like I could do.  I was silent. My mind was not fixed on things above.  My heart was not moved upwards to the Lord. Even the very beat of my heart seemed silent.

My boys. I love them. These pics were from this outing.

I haven't been able to really pray out loud for a long time.  I know why. I know when it started. But I haven't been able to overcome it- yet.  I was working in a church {where I met Sean} and there were some things that happened, and I was hurt very deeply by some of the people ministering there.  I won't go into detail here because a) it is irrelevant to my point and b) I don't see the benefit of re-hashing those particular events.  Except to say that I know it was after that time that I lost my voice to pray out loud.  I was betrayed and hurt and all while "doing ministry" with these people, who ultimately were unloving, uncaring and at times- down right mean.  I left there totally jaded, hurt and disillusioned by these "church" people.   How could these "Christian" people, working at a church "serving the Lord" treat somebody this way?  I still loved the Lord and trusted Him, but the hurt from that time left wounds that I'm still working through.  Part of me shut down {the part that prayed out loud}. I don't really know why that part of my relationship with the Lord was affected the way that it was, but it just was.  I put up walls in my heart that stifled my voice.  I have made some progress, and praying with Jack has helped a lot- and for some reason is always easy.  I want my children to know I pray, to hear me pray and to learn to pray.  Sean is pray warrior.  I love listening to him pray. He prays with his heart listening to the Lord, and he prays with conviction, strength and with the power of the Holy Spirit.  I want to be able to pray with people, on the spot, out loud.  Instead of letting the fear reign, I want to allow the Holy Spirit to work and speak through me.  Eeek. Even just saying this makes me nervous. But it really is the desire of my heart.

I am still reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and I love the chapter on prayer.  Here are a few excerpts that are really speaking to me:

"In prayer, real prayer, we begin to think God's thoughts after him: to desire the things he desires, to love the things that he loves, to will the things that he wills" (Foster, 33).

Isn't this exactly what the Christian life should be? The finite human drawing ever closer to the infinite Creator, Redeemer, and Savior God; always seeking to better know the heart of God. Prayer is our avenue to the heart of God.  This will inevitably flow outward into the rest of our lives, if we are committed to it. Prayer will necessitate change, for we cannot draw nearer to perfection with out our own imperfections starring us in the face.  We will be moved.  We will be changed.  We will be progressively transformed to his likeness.

"The apostle Paul gladly announces that we are "co-laborers with God"; that is, we are working with God to determine the outcome of events (1 Cor. 3:9)" (Foster, 39).

Prayer not only changes us, but it can affect events and circumstances in your life and in the lives of those around you.  There is an amazing section on intercessory pray (praying for others) in this chapter.  I would have to type out the whole thing to really do it justice- it is just that good.  Let is suffice to say that God hears our prayers and God does change his mind according to his unfailing love (Jn. 3:10) so our prayers CAN affect change.  Prayer is a powerful tool that God has given us.

"We begin praying for other by first quieting our fleshly activities and listening to the silent thunder of the Lord of hosts. Attuning ourselves to divine breathings is spiritual work, but without it our praying is vain repetition (Matt. 6:7). Listening to the Lord is the first thing, the second thing, and the third thing necessary for successful intercession" (Foster, 39).

This reminds me of Ecclesiates 5:1-2 when it says, 

"Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools... do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." 

Drawing near to LISTEN. That is the first step in prayer.  In the margin next to this passage I had written a quote from John Bunyon, "In prayer it is better to have a heart without words, than words without a heart."  Listening to God gives our hearts the words that we should pray. 

"If we are still we will learn not only who God is, but how his power operates" (Foster, 39).

This past week I had to pray out loud. There was no choice. I had to pray- out loud- to hear the words myself, because I believed them, and I wanted God to know that I was pleading and believing.  And there was no time for fear or self-anything. I just had to PRAY. I saw God answer our prayers. I saw him MOVE. I saw him do a MIRACLE.  There are some things I won't share on this blog, but the truth is: there is POWER in PRAYER. I feel like my walls are starting to crumble. I'm finding my voice in prayer again. I'm finding in through silence.

My Verse of the Week this week is Col. 4:2

"Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful."

I am excited to delve deeper into the heart of God, learning to listen, to pray and to know the power of praying....out loud even.

linking up with Casey here

40 Days of Freedom

Confession: I have never given anything up for Lent before.  I love the idea of a constant reminder of what Jesus sacrificed so that I might be saved, but giving up chocolate or coffee or {fill in the blank} fell into the same category as New Year's resolutions;  people saying they are going (or not going) to do this or that, mostly just to say so.  But lately I have felt a divine tug on my heart for a fresh, renewed focus on what is really important in life.  This type of self-examination forces one to analyze the way they spend their time and for me, how it is effecting my relationships and my walk with the Lord.  Maybe it is because I have been profoundly moved by this new baby, and her "freshness" into the world. She is unencumbered by all of the "stuff" this world has to offer. She is lucky.  Even as I type this, she is sleeping on my legs and the sound of her soft breath is Peacefulness, personified.  

Her newness has inspired my renewal.

So my epiphany just happened to coincide with "Fat Tuesday" and I came up with the idea of have 40 days of Freedom in my life (although I certainly hope that by the end of the 40 days it will just be the new normal) where I can focus on my relationship with Jesus, with my husband and family, and spend time doing things that will help my spirit to thrive, rather than cause my mind to feel dull and my spirit void.  So here they are:

1. Renewing my mind. 

     I'm a reader, or at least I used to be. I could give you 110 reasons/excuses that I don't read anything {other than my Bible} anymore, but I'd rather just focus now on how I'm going to start again- somewhere familiar, an old friend of sorts: 

Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. 

2. Renewing my spirit.

    I'm going to memorize a verse a week {I know that sounds very 5th grade...which it is, because that is what I did with my 5th graders when I was teaching, but it is what it is for now} My first verse is even kind of a cheat since I posted it on my refrigerator a few months ago, and have read it every day, several times a day...but it's fitting for this period of my life, so it's first:

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."   Col. 3:15

3. Eliminate distractions and clutter

     My first step was saying a big fat goodbye to Facebook. Although I still think there are good things about it, Sean has never had one and I sort of think that's cool.  It is a distraction, so I'm over it. I'm also limiting the amount of T.V. I watch. {I can just hear Sean celebrating...we only have the first like 10 channels..if he had it his way we would not have cable at all, but sadly- I LOVE that Jack will watch his shows and I can work or clean ect. and lets be honest...I like watching the Bachelor. there I said it. oh well. no one is perfect}

      In recent days the "quaintness" of our 2 bedroom condo has become overwhelmingly obvious to me, causing me to have mini breakdowns on several occasions.  Two adults + two babies + all their toys/gear in very tight quarters = my squished mind grapes and one huge {seemingly endless} lesson in patience. Maybe I'm not getting the message? hmm. more on that another time. The point is, I am making a very concerted effort to keep our house as clean and neat as possible.  I know it won't be perfect, because I'm running on next to no sleep at all, while literally running around all day after Jack- amidst piles of laundry and the never-ending task of feeding and changing the new bundle. So I'm trying to stay realistic with my expectations.

So there it is. My first ever Lent-ish challenge to myself.